Helping
Your Child Develop Self-Esteem
(http://www.childdevelopmentinfo.com/parenting/self_esteem.shtml) |
Self-esteem is a major key to success in life. The development of a positive self-concept or healthy self-esteem is extremely important to the happiness and success of children and teenagers. This page will share the basics for helping kids and teens to improve their self-esteem. It will also point you to other CDI pages and CDI products that can help you to improve your child's or teenager's self-esteem. Self-esteem
is how we feel about ourselves, and our behavior clearly reflects those
feelings. For example, a child or teen with high self-esteem will be able
to:
·
act independently
·
assume responsibility
·
take pride in his accomplishments
·
tolerate frustration
·
attempt new tasks and challenges
·
handle positive and negative emotions
·
offer assistance to others
On
the other hand, a child with low self-esteem will:
·
avoid trying new things
·
feel unloved and unwanted
·
blame others for his own shortcomings
·
feel, or pretend to feel, emotionally indifferent
·
be unable to tolerate a normal level of frustration
·
put down his own talents and abilities
·
be easily influenced
Parents,
more than anyone else can promote their child's self-esteem. It isn't a
particularly difficult thing to do. If fact, most parents do it without
even realizing that their words and actions have great impact on how their
child or teenager feels about himself. Here are some suggestions to keep
in mind.
When
you feel good about your child, mention it to him.
Parents are often quick to express negative feelings to children but somehow
don't get around to describing positive feelings. A child doesn't know
when you are feeling good about him and he needs to hear you tell him that you
like having him in the family. Children remember positive statements we
say to them. They store them up and "replay" these statements to
themselves.
Be
generous with praise.
Use what is called descriptive praise to let your child know when they
are doing something well. You must of course become in the habit of
looking for situations in which your child is doing a good job or displaying a
talent. When your child completes a task or chore you could say,
"I really like the way you straightened your room. You found a place for
every thing and put each thing in its place." When you observe them showing
a talent you might say, "That last piece you played was great.
You really have a lot of musical talent." Don't be afraid to give praise
often even in front of family or friends. Also, use praise to point
out positive character traits. For instance,
"You are a very kind person." Or, "I like the way you stick with things you do
even when it seems hard to do." You can even praise a
child for something he did not do such as "I really liked how you
accepted my answer of 'no' and didn't lose your temper."
Teach
your child to practice making positive self-statements.
Self-talk is very important in everything we do. Psychologists have found
that negative self-talk is behind depression and anxiety. What we think
determines how we feel and how we feel determines how we behave.
Therefore, it is important to teach children to be positive about how they
"talk to themselves." Some examples of useful self-talk are: "I can get
this problem, if I just keep trying." "It's OK if our team lost
today. We all tried our best and you can't win them all." "It makes
me feel good to help others even if the person doesn't notice or thank
me."
Avoid
criticism that takes the form of ridicule or shame.
Sometimes it is necessary to criticize a child's actions, and it is appropriate
that parents do so. When, however the criticism is directed to the
child as a person it can easily deteriorate into ridicule or shame. It is
important to learn to use "I statements" rather than "You statements" when
giving criticism. For instance say, "I would like you to keep your
clothes in the proper place in your closet or drawers not lying all over your
room;" rather than saying "Why are you such a lazy slob? Can't you
take care of anything?"
Teach your child about decision-making and to recognize when he has made a good decision. Children make decisions all the time but often are not aware that they are doing so. There are a number of ways parents can help children improve their ability to consciously make wise decisions. Children make decisions all the time but often are not aware that they are doing so. There are a number of ways parents can help children improve their ability to consciously make wise decisions. Help
the child clarify the problem that is creating the need for a decision.
Ask him questions that pinpoint how he sees, hear, and feel about a situation
and what may need to be changed.
Brainstorm
the possible solutions. Usually there is more than one solution or choice
to a given dilemma, and the parent can make an important contribution by
pointing out this fact and by suggesting alternatives if the child has none.
Allow
the child to choose one of the solutions only after fully considering the
consequences. The best solution will be one that solves the problem and
simultaneously makes the child feel good about him.
Later
join the child in evaluating the results of that particular solution. Did
it work out well? Or did it fail? if so, why? Reviewing
the tactics will equip the child to make a better decision the next time
around.
Develop
a positive approach to providing structure for your child.
All kids and teens need to accept responsibility for their behavior. They
should learn self-discipline. To help children learn self-discipline, the
parent needs to adopt the role of coach/teacher rather than that of
disciplinarian and punisher. Learn the "Three Fs" of positive
parenting.
Ten
additional steps you can take to help your child develop a positive self-image:
Teach
children to change their demands to preferences. Point out to
children that there is no reason they must get everything they want and that
they need not feel angry either. Encourage them to work against anger by
setting a good example and by reinforcing them when they display appropriate
irritation rather than anger
Encourage
your children to ask for what they want assertively; pointing out that there is
no guarantee that they will get it. Reinforce them for asking and
avoid anticipating their desires.
Let
children know they create and are responsible for any feeling they
experience. Likewise, they are not responsible for others'
feelings. Avoid blaming children for how you feel.
Encourage
your children to develop hobbies and interests which give them pleasure and
which they can pursue independently.
Let
children settle their own disputes between siblings and friends alike.
Help
your children develop "tease tolerance" by pointing out that some teasing can't
hurt. Help children learn to cope with teasing by ignoring it while using
positive self-talk such as "names can never hurt me," "teases have no power
over me," and "if I can resist this tease, then I'm building emotional
muscle." Help children learn to focus on their strengths by pointing out
to them all the things they can do.
Encourage
your children to behave toward themselves the way they'd like their friends to
behave toward them.
Help
your children think in terms of alternative options and possibilities rather
than depending upon one option for satisfaction. A child who has only one
friend and loses that friend is friendless. However, a child who has many
friends and loses one, still has many. This same principle holds true in
many different areas. Whenever you think there is only one thing which
can satisfy you, you limit your potential for being satisfied! The more
you help your children realize that there are many options in every
situation, the more you increase their potential for satisfaction.
Laugh with your children and encourage them to laugh at themselves. People who take themselves very seriously are undoubtedly decreasing their enjoyment in life. A good sense of humor and the ability to make light of life are important ingredients for increasing one's overall enjoyment.
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